ramblings of one black woman…

so. 

i did exactly what i said i wouldn’t do: took a break from blogging. i didn’t intend to…it just happened.

yah. kinda like a lot of things…that just happen.

 as it turns out…i am over that type of living. been over it, just too lazy to really work to effect change on it. or be committed to it. but, no more. i now know that change is truly a process. like, we hear that a lot…but, it really is. anyone that has changed any major behavior/thought process knows that it is not done overnight. funny how that works. another cliche ==> ‘it’s easier said than done’.

in recent weeks i have had such a myriad of emotions running through me…including, but definitely not limited to:

  • fear
  • elation
  • confidence
  • insecurity
  • gratitude
  • ingratitude
  • anxiety
  • excitement
  • shame

i think it’s awful that something like a job loss can make a person feel any particular way about themeselves. that’s so…WRONG.  in our society, somehow…what people do for a living — or don’t do — is an indicator of their…character? self-worth? what is that? all of my ‘friends’…would they love me if i said ‘eff it all’ and became a manager at mcdonald’s? hmmmnn…*le sigh*…but, that’s another convo for another day. O_O

today, i’m existing in a true state of gratitude. of course…from the outside, not much about my ”shytuation” hasn’t changed. however, i am learning ALOT. gaining wisdom. about a lot of things — that will ultimately lead to CHANGE. yes, i’m here…in >this< for a reason. and, i’m determined to learn the lesson.

about a week ago, i had a couple of experiences with someone that i NEVER thought i would. my past interactions with this person left me feeling anxious and sub-par. largely because of my issues, not theirs.

the first experience involved a conversation. where i chose to open up and share…my…brokenness. wow. so glad that i did. [pause: stop gasping and clutching your pearls. everyone has (currently) or has had some element of ”brokenness” in their lives. some deal with it head on (me)…others medicate and behavioralize their way through. but, know this — it is there.] at any rate, it was powerful and i realized that i had been wrong about soooooooooo much. (imagine that!)

the second experience involved my participation (listening only) in a prayer call with this same person. now. initially, i was like…oh, boy…what have i gotten myself into? a prayer call? at 6 a.m. in…THE MORNING???? but, if there’s one thing that i am…it’s open to new experiences. so, i joined. listened. felt convicted. all in all, it was a good experience. so much so that i vowed to do it again. and, today i did. *sigh*  i’m a bit scatter-brained about what else i want/need to say about it at the moment so, i’ll leave it here.

at the end of the day there are a few things that i know for sure:

  1. God is good. i am honored to call him ”FRIEND”. 
  2. my parents are my best friends on this earth. #whoknew ?
  3. sometimes the most unlikely people cross our paths — littering it with nuggets of goodness for our souls.
  4. life is truly what you make it.
  5. christians make christianity look bad. every day. i desire to do differently.
  6. the heart does heal. period. #thatisall

if you should happen to stumble upon these ramblings…treat them with care. or not. your choice. my purpose will have been met regardless.

love to all…

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